Periods suck. Period.

A couple weeks ago, I'd gotten down to 164; the lowest I've been in about a year. I didn't write about it because I've been under deadlines, but I'm putting it here for context.

I got my period last week, and boy howdy did it ever derail me. I've been an eating machine for over a week, and I'm up a couple pounds. I've been feeling really shitty about it, feeling down and hopeless and that I'll never lose this weight, but today I'm saying fuck that attitude and I'm back on the horse. I seem to be able to let myself lose control when it comes to my hormonal cravings, but as soon as my period is over, I have a hard time letting myself get away with it because there just aren't any excuses left.

I'm pleased to say, at least, that while I abandoned my dietary restraint this week, I did not abandon the gym. I still went every day, which is probably the reason I only gained 2 pounds back instead of 10. I didn't, however, go to the gym this weekend, or last, which sucks. If I don't go first thing in the morning, I get wrapped up in relaxing in front of the TV with Jeremy, and then we get up and get busy on the house. I think this weekend I will have to make it a goal of mine to go at least once. If I can go twice, maybe I'll buy myself something pretty.

I forgot to have breakfast while I was at home this morning, and strangely enough McDonald's seems to have the best options for breakfast if you skip the fatty and fried stuff, so my default Oops-I-Forgot-Breakfast breakfast is an Egg McMuffin without butter, and a small coffee (regular) - 335k/35c/13f/17p. Not bad, all told. For the rest of the day I have fresh raspberries, cucumber slices, yogurt and tuna. Also some clementines and an apple in my desk fruit basket if I so choose.

Two steps forward, one step back.


[166.0]

I'm down again, which is great. However I finally reached my breaking point this morning with cutting out a lot of carbs, and HAD to have a bagel. My god was it good, but now I'm full. I'm not horribly full of guilt because I'll just work it into my daily points, I just hope it doesn't leave me craving more carbs all day.

Last night I went out with a friend for dinner, and though we were in a pub, I mustered the will power to have a grilled chicken salad. It was large and satisfying, and I didn't feel like I was really missing out on pub food by eating it, so yay! It meant that I could some extra beer later, when we went to the Smiling Buddha to see a new friend play his suitcase bass with his bluegrass band.

I had 3 beer and was quite buzzy, and that felt nice since it's been since Thanksgiving that I've not had beer. However, it completely fucked up my sleep, and I'm quite tired today. I suspect that's why I wanted a bagel so badly, being a tick hung over and very tired. The last time I didn't sleep so well I really wanted a bagel too, so I've learned just how important sleep is to my diet. Noted.


[ 166.6 ]

Doing something right

Clearly I'm doing something right, because I'm down another pound and a bit. I'm riding high, and feeling good, so I decide I want to be dressy at work today to give me an excuse to wear these cute new platform slingbacks I bought in the US.

I go into the closet and pull out my nice dress pants, and put them on...and they don't even remotely fit. I can't even get the buttons close to doing up. That was a bit of a wake-up call: even though I'm losing weight at a nice rate, I'm still much bigger than I used to be. The road will be long.

I'll admit that bummed me out, but rather than let it get me completely down, instead I opted for a skirt! This? This is madness. I don't like skirts at the best of times (read: 40 pounds ago), but I was dead set on wearing my heels and dag-nabbit, I'm feeling good today, whether my feet like it or not!


[ 167.8 ]

Self-confidence

It's day 2 of my period, so by all logic I should be bloated, cranky, and heavier than I was yesterday.

Instead I'm not bloated, and I'm happy...because I'm actually LIGHTER. By a whole pound.

Ever since using My Fitness Pal, I've seen dramatic results, so much so that I've canceled my Weight Watchers subscription. MFP is free, and it's working for me, so why not save myself $22 a month and the hassle of having to double track all my food?

I'm over the moon, because for the first time in roughly a year, I weigh less than 170. I can barely remember the last time I was in the 169's...it was at least a year ago. I can't believe I've been at my fattest for this long.

Well NO. MORE.

Today is proof that you CAN do this. Your focus and determination has paid off, and will continue to pay off. You are on your way!!


[ 169.0 ]

Self-doubt

I'm worried that the 5 pounds I've lost have all been lost muscle mass, because I haven't done a Group Power class in over a week due to work deadlines and illness.


Bleh. It feels like whenever I give diet and exercise a real shot, something comes along to derail me. And I'm not making excuses, either; I physically CANNOT handle a GP class right now. So, I guess all I can do during these times is focus on diet--which I can control--and then get back on the exercise wagon when I'm able, right?

On a more positive note, ever since I gave up carbs for breakfast, I've found that I don't crave carbs as much throughout the day. I've been having a yogurt cup and some herbal tea for breakfast, and that's been getting through the mornings. When I'm hungry again I go for fruit, and after that, it's either time for lunch, or I'll have some veggies.

You may not be well enough to push yourself at the gym, but you are able to at least take a walk on the treadmill to get that small bit of exercise in. Then you can treat yourself to the hot tub. Hopefully that helps with the body aches and the stuffy sinuses.

[ 170.0 ]

I stepped on the scale this morning, and was shocked to see that I'd lost again. This is my third serious attempt at losing in my life, and it got off to a rocky start (I think I was over-ambitious, overzealous, pushed myself too hard physically and denied myself too much), but I think I've struck a better balance of exercise and eating well. I don't deny myself ALL of the things I crave, but I don't give into every little whim either. Today my sick self--undoubtedly seeking comfort food, was craving a bagel, but instead I got a ham/egg/cheese sandwich on an english muffin. Not exactly the MOST healthy thing in the bunch, but I saved a few calories and a tonne of carbs by making that switch, and gave myself a protein boost. I have lots of veggies and fruit for the rest of the day, and will have a small can of tuna for lunch if I'm still hungry after the watermelon, raspberries and celery I've packed.

A nice treat for myself has been Perrier. There was a sale on at Sobey's for $11.99 a case (normally $17.99) so I bought two of the grapefruit-flavoured ones, and it's been a refreshing way to get in my water without feeling like I'm forcing down water just to get in all 8 glasses.

I'm not beating myself up for not going to the gym over the last 2 days, because I've been sick! I rode my bike to and from work on Tuesday (heavenly in the fall colours), and to work on Wednesday, but it really hit me in the middle of the day that I was not well and caught a ride home with Jeremy. I stayed home yesterday, and dragged my butt to work today. If I'm feeling up to it (and if the weather holds up; it's been rainy today) I'll ride my bike home at an easy pace, but if not I won't push it and know that I can make up for it later. I think I'll also go to the gym today and just walk on the treadmill, to get a little exercise in without overdoing it, and then treat myself to an extra-long soak in the hot tub. That should do my body good.


I really think you can do it this time. The first five pounds is a milestone that should be celebrated. You know that this is only the first of many milestones to come, and you deserve to feel happy about it. Slow and steady wins the race, baby!

[ 170.0 ]

Tidbits

"Breakfast like a King, Lunch like a prince, Dinner like a peasant."

"Sweat is fat crying."

I signed up with My Fitness Pal just this second. I love the ease of use that Weight Watchers provide, however, I could eat all of my daily points values in carbs if I wanted (and have) and I know that's not the way to lose weight. MFP shows me everything in a number of calories, and has a much more extensive database of the foods I'm eating, particularly by brand, which is extremely helpful. I'm going to use them both in tandem for a while, and see how it goes. I may end up dumping my subscription to WW since MFP is free, and that'll save me $20 a month.

I shouldn't have stepped on the scale today (Mondays are technically my weigh-in day, but I did it yesterday since Monday was a holiday and I forgot), but yesterday I went the entire day barely eating any carbs, and I wanted to see if there was any difference. 

There was.

[ 172.2 ]

Low Carb Tuesday

It was supposed to be "no-carb" Tuesday, but due to lack of preparation on my part, I ended up eating a yogurt sweetened with sugar this morning and a pint of raspberries. However, raspberries are actually one of the fruits lower in carbs, so between the two I ate only about 30g of carbs (out of the maximum I should eat for trying to lose weight, which is 150g). I had spaghetti for lunch that Jeremy made last night, except that I subbed tofu shirataki noodles instead of wheat pasta, which has only 3g of carbs for a 4oz serving, which is mind-blowingly low compared to the whopping 40g of carbs in standard pasta.

Also filed under the "win" category is that I had a chamomile tea instead of my regular steeped tea with 1 milk and 2 sugar, and I honestly didn't even miss the caffeine. Sometimes I'll really feel like I need a tea or coffee in the morning, but I think my bike ride into work this morning (yes, a 50-minute ride into work!) left me feeling energized, and I really got the tea out of morning ritual more than anything else.

More "win", I just got back from the gym. I did less time on the elliptical than I normally do because a) I rode my  bike in and still have to ride my bike home, and b) I wanted to spend a little time in the hot tub because my neck and shoulders were hurting a bit. Still, that's a lot of exercise for today, and I'm planning on doing it tomorrow.

Something I just saw on Reddit that inspired me to come here and spill my guts:

"Simple pleasures: Working out until I can barely stand, then quickly showering. Why? Because afterwards, you can just sit around, lazy as fuck, and feel good about it. This is the best feeling of all time. Seriously. When people ask me why I exercise so hard I try to describe this feeling to them and I just can't. They'll never understand unless they do it."

 I think I'll keep depositing little gems like this that I find here in this blog, because if I'd have read this yesterday when I did spend most of the day on the couch, it might have motivated me to get off my duff and go for a bike ride.

Speaking of yesterday, the Monday of a long weekend, I kind of ate my face off this weekend. I hadn't logged a single point since Friday, had a total splurgefest on Saturday evening with Victoria and Chris, and had a generally lazy weekend. I was sure I was going to have gained several pounds when I stepped on the scale this morning, but I was only up a few ounces. It's not great, but it could have been worse. Then today I took matters back into my own hands and have been cutting carbs and exercising. I'm confident that I'll be able to keep it up for the rest of the week (well, the exercise part...not so sure about the carbs. Eep!) because for me, dieting is easy when I'm working. It's the weekend that completely throws me off. Since I'm not sitting in front of a computer all day like I am with work, I don't have my Weight Watchers tracker staring me in the face, and I don't have Google constantly open for me to look up the nutritional information for what I'm about to put in my mouth. I also am not active like I am during the week, as I feel it is my time to relax, but the problem becomes that EVERYTHING relaxes. This is a sticking point that I must work on.

[ 173.6 ]

Doing the Math

I'm not losing weight, despite following the Weight Watchers plan. This leads me to believe that while I'm eating the right amount of points, I'm eating the wrong kind of food. The culprit? You guessed it...CARBS. I think I need to start diligently minding my carb intake by the gram. This totally sucks. Here's some math to figure out just what I should be eating, taken from Intense Workout.com.

The Calculator:

Age: 31
Sex: F
Weight: 173
Height: 5' 3"
Exercise level: 5 times per week

Fat Loss: 1720 Calories/day
Extreme Fat Loss: 1384 Calories/day


PROTEIN: 0.8-1.2 grams of protein per pound of body weight is usually the ideal range for most people. 

I'll take the average of 1 gram. Therefore, 173 lbs of body weight = 173 grams of protein. 

1 gram of protein contains 4 calories. Therefore, 173 grams of protein = 692 calories.


FAT: 25% of your total daily calories should come from healthy fats. 1 gram of fat contains 9 calories.

Fat Loss: 1720 x 0.25 = 430 calories / 9 calories = 48g
Extreme FL: 1384 x 0.25 = 346 calories / 9 calories = 38g


CARBS: Carbs should be used to fill in whatever amount of calories are still left over after protein and fat have been factored into your diet. 1 gram of carbs contains 4 calories. 


Fat Loss: 1720 - 692 - 430 = 598 calories from carbs / 4 calories = 150g of carbs per day.
Extreme FL: 1384 - 692 - 346 = 346 calories from carbs / 4 calories = 86g of carbs per day.


SUMMARY:

FAT LOSS:
173g protein / 47g fat / 150g carbs
692 cal. protein / 430 cal. fat / 598 cal. carbs

EXTREME FAT LOSS:
173g protein / 38g fat / 86g carbs
692 cal. protein / 346 cal. fat / 346 cal. carbs


I don't want to have to start being so nit-picky about my diet, but it's come to this. I'll start by minding my daily carb intake and go from there.

Sigh.

[ 173.0 ]

Carbs

Clearly I'm addicted. I love sugar, I love bread, I love beer (which has been described in some weight-loss forums as "liquid bread", ew).

This morning I had Multigrain Cheerios with skim milk (read: carb-laden with a little protein) for breakfastat 7:45, and by the time I got to work at almost 10am (long story) and got my morning tea at Tim Horton's, I was *this* close to also getting a bagel. I wasn't really that hungry, but boy their new Sundried Tomato Asiago Parm bagels are effing delicious. Luckily I mustered up the willpower to walk out of there with just my tea. We'll call this a win.

I've also discovered that the Laughing Cow light wedges are 1 point for TWO, not just one, which is a nice surprise. I don't care for the LC wedges on their own, but spread over crackers they're really tasty...however crackers are carbs, and carbs are point-expensive for good reason: they're just MURDER on the old diet. So instead I had 2 LC wedges spread over some raw celery stalks--which I dislike unless its served fatty fatty dip--and it was a really great low-point snack! We'll call this another win.

This is a particularly good win for me, as I'm not particularly fond of snacking on raw vegetables. Hell, before Weight Watchers (I do the online plan) I wasn't even a fan of snacking on raw fruit...but fruits are 0 points on WW, and they're sweet, so as a sugar/carbs addict, they're my go-to snack. Despite them being 0 points, I know they're still full of sugar and that I should try to replace some of the raw fruit I eat with raw veggies, however they're sort of the only thing standing between me and eating cookies and candy right now, so I'm not phasing out fruit completely just yet...just subbing in veggies when I can. Don't get me wrong, I love raw cucumbers, and raw grape tomatoes (again, fruit!) but I don't care for carrots or celery without dip (and even then, not at all if there are chips around!). So, if adding 1 point of cheese to a few stalks of celery gets me to eat some vegetables, so be it. Like I said, I consider it a win.

You are hitting the elliptical machine at the gym today. I can't say I thoroughly enjoy working out, but the elliptical machine allows me to burn calories and increase my cardio health without burdening my knees with impact. Plus I can watch TV while I do it so that I'm not completely bored. Prior to this second round of Weight Watchers when I'd been working out on the elliptical, I'd been able to manage about half an hour before quitting, and burning around 300 calories. Now I've worked myself up to 45 mins and am burning just over 500 calories. Today you're going to try for 50 minutes. Tomorrow you will try to ride my bike to work--which I love doing, if I've had a decent sleep the night before, which last night I didn't (also I realized that J&I have our appointment tonight after work--as well as attend Group Power (weight-lifting) class at the gym.

I've read in Reddit's r/loseit forum that weight-loss is 80% diet, 10% exercise, and 10% sleep, and that getting fit is 80% exercise, 10% diet and 10% sleep. This doesn't bode well for me, because while I can kick my own ass all over town to go to the gym every day and ride my bike to work, it has been so so so hard for me to change my diet. I love food so much. I need to find a way to change my relationship with it.

[ 173.0 ]

Inadequacy's a real bitch.

It has recently come to my attention in therapy that I struggle with feelings of inadequacy. I feel inadequate because I don't make as much money as my boyfriend, because I'm overweight, because I don't always feel like I have anything to contribute to my relationships.

The current focus of my attention is losing weight, and sometimes I'm successful at it, and other times I have weekends like the one that just passed where I give into temptation, then fail myself completely by figuring I might as well fuck it all because it means the day is a whole write-off. The next day the pendulum swings the complete opposite direction, and I find myself heading on a 2-hour bike ride in the freezing rain. I felt almost euphoric doing it--"Congratulations Yvonne! You're amazing! Look at what you motivated yourself to do!"--but in hindsight, it almost looks like punishment for the day before. And today, I'm paying for that punishment, as I have a deadline looming at work and I'm so fucking tired that I can't see straight. AND I went to the gym today. Yay me, right? Fuck.

I guess in the back of my mind somewhere I feel like all my self-esteem issues will be solved if I can just reach my goal weight. Intellectually I know this is total bullshit, I'll still struggle with feelings of inadequacy surrounding my income, or what I contribute to my relationships. However, I won't feel so fucking fat. And if I can reach my goal weight, I'll feel like I accomplished the impossible, and that's GOT to do something for your self-esteem, right? It must.

This blog isn't a secret, but I'm not advertising it either. I just want a place where I can write out my bloogity-blah-blahs about losing weight outside of my Livejournal where my friends pat me on the head. They're great people, but they're my friends telling me what they know to say to make me feel better, and there I feel the need to sensor all the ugly thoughts I sometimes have because I don't want to make anyone feel bad. That said, I'm trying to learn how to not be so hard on myself, so I'm hoping this not-so-secret blog will be my exercise in venting outward, rather than punishing inward.

Yvonne Inadequate takes up residence in this sluggish jiggly body most of the time, but I know the Yvonne who is Enough is inside here. I'm going to talk to her, and coax her out in the hopes that one day, she'll shine.

You have been very sleepy all day, and while you haven't been able to get any work done, you have managed to eat on plan today and work out at the gym class for an hour. Don't associate "eating well and exercising" with "totally fucking exhausted". Instead, do yourself a solid and go to bed nice and early tonight. Get lots of rest so that you'll feel peachy in the morning. The weather is supposed to be nice, so take the opportunity to use wear your fabulous new cycling gloves and ride your bike to work tomorrow. The peace and quietude granted to you as you ride through the nature trails en route to work give you a grounded start to your day, and you will feel amazing and focused and ready to get started on that project for work.

You can do this.

[ 174.2 ]