It has recently come to my attention in therapy that I struggle with feelings of inadequacy. I feel inadequate because I don't make as much money as my boyfriend, because I'm overweight, because I don't always feel like I have anything to contribute to my relationships.
The current focus of my attention is losing weight, and sometimes I'm successful at it, and other times I have weekends like the one that just passed where I give into temptation, then fail myself completely by figuring I might as well fuck it all because it means the day is a whole write-off. The next day the pendulum swings the complete opposite direction, and I find myself heading on a 2-hour bike ride in the freezing rain. I felt almost euphoric doing it--"Congratulations Yvonne! You're amazing! Look at what you motivated yourself to do!"--but in hindsight, it almost looks like punishment for the day before. And today, I'm paying for that punishment, as I have a deadline looming at work and I'm so fucking tired that I can't see straight. AND I went to the gym today. Yay me, right? Fuck.
I guess in the back of my mind somewhere I feel like all my self-esteem issues will be solved if I can just reach my goal weight. Intellectually I know this is total bullshit, I'll still struggle with feelings of inadequacy surrounding my income, or what I contribute to my relationships. However, I won't feel so fucking fat. And if I can reach my goal weight, I'll feel like I accomplished the impossible, and that's GOT to do something for your self-esteem, right? It must.
This blog isn't a secret, but I'm not advertising it either. I just want a place where I can write out my bloogity-blah-blahs about losing weight outside of my Livejournal where my friends pat me on the head. They're great people, but they're my friends telling me what they know to say to make me feel better, and there I feel the need to sensor all the ugly thoughts I sometimes have because I don't want to make anyone feel bad. That said, I'm trying to learn how to not be so hard on myself, so I'm hoping this not-so-secret blog will be my exercise in venting outward, rather than punishing inward.
Yvonne Inadequate takes up residence in this sluggish jiggly body most of the time, but I know the Yvonne who is Enough is inside here. I'm going to talk to her, and coax her out in the hopes that one day, she'll shine.
You have been very sleepy all day, and while you haven't been able to get any work done, you have managed to eat on plan today and work out at the gym class for an hour. Don't associate "eating well and exercising" with "totally fucking exhausted". Instead, do yourself a solid and go to bed nice and early tonight. Get lots of rest so that you'll feel peachy in the morning. The weather is supposed to be nice, so take the opportunity to use wear your fabulous new cycling gloves and ride your bike to work tomorrow. The peace and quietude granted to you as you ride through the nature trails en route to work give you a grounded start to your day, and you will feel amazing and focused and ready to get started on that project for work.
You can do this.
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